sambungan semlm

Pojan told me last night,

ala nnt sy ada wedding list jugak, nnt org akan kata sy sweet ke?
sigh, girls.

lol lol lol

so anyway, my writers block has been reduced to the crack level of a pringle (i obsessed -in its truest psychiatric meaning- with the term used to describe the shape of a pringle iaitu hyperbolic paraboloid)

today was a colourful day. like colours, not good or bad. just colourful.
hence i name today the kaleidoscopic day - with different angles of views to boot.
hohoho.

next week ada psych exam. aduhai ngeri.
i've always had trouble with clinical exams - the talking bit.
physical examination insyaAllah xde hal kalau in exams.
but talking?
*garu kepala yg tak gatal*

summore in psychiatry ok,
kalau anxiety level byk ni *tinggi kening* and even material yg kena buat byk ni *tinggi ketiak* tak jadi jugak ok.

how am i supposed to be sensitive and empathic when i'm worried about the exam super?

Ya Tuhan, tahun 2009 ini merupakan learning curve yg optima i could never expect it. i am grateful but wow, this is massive. but You're the Greatest. so i kinda need help, i know u show me the way somehow, but i think i could with less doubt. I want to trust You more. I am beyond amazed how You susun atur where i am now because realistically, it could have never been done any other way for me to survive. so once again, You have reaffirmed You -are- indeed the Greatest. My God.

sungguh interesting,
I know You're planning something yg i akan lebih oh-my-god dari what i'm feeling now, i hope I'll be ready when the time comes. I think I should trust You to make me fully equipped by then.

I look forward to what You have in store for all of us, Let it be best. Ok i kind of risau i'm jinxing it by typing it out macam ni. sigh. Thank You for giving me a nudge when I needed it.

*~*~*~*

psych is super interesting, its the closest to a yes so far. (or maybe the people are just nice there lol) i know the term "orang gila" has never scared me before. i wouldnt know what to do then but i dont think i'd be scared. and before ke after learning about it pun, my feelings towards org2 ni sama je, i kasihan.

Kasihan sebab most of them are hoping for a way out. n they're trying.

And amazed.
Sbb the resilience of humans is agak limitless.
Just when u think confirm mati dia ni, hidup lagi and fighting! ada will to fight nih!
hoho.

nnt i update dgn cerita patient psych i.
if obs n gyn made me cry every time babies are born,
psych made me cry inside when i see what humans are capable of.

i had to mentally slap myself to say this is real, n not fictitious drama kt tv.

ps: i'm building up the courage to watch 1 Litre of tears.
someday. mesti i hanyut banjirrrrrr

Encik OL yg sweet

ok sebenarnya i hv byk stories to tell.

but today's scoop cannot wait punya. lol.

bottomline of the post:

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~~~~


ok

so we had tutorial today in psych. about anxiety. so tutor bernama KOL (lelaki la ni) pun mengajar2 la mcm biasa. jika mahu di-describekan perihal tutor ini, beliau ni stok org tgk sejuuuuk je hati tgk sbb baik sgt. jenis yg manis perilaku n kaya dgn niceness tp tak feminine, fhm ke?

i dont even know if its possible to decribe seseorang selagi tak pernah jumpa orang yg mcm tu?

i tak fhm why hosp SVUH hampir tiada whiteboard eraser sbb both KOL n Dr Seery suka mengelap white board selain dgn eraser yg sepatutnya. KOL dgn tangan, Dr Seery dgn selimut patient, boleh x?

so since i ada tissue, i pn bagi la kn.
Sian dia.
Margeret ckp something about "dpt flowers n chocolates plak lepas ni"
sbb asyik dpt tissue utk mengelap je ke?
lol

so anyway, seperti biasa ada di kala waktu2 orang sedang mengajar my mind zones out to random things after concentrating sekejap and then bila u catch yourself zoning out n try tracing back what is being talked about now dah miss dah apa point sebelum tu haha.

tapi hari ni lain skit.

sebab



Sakinah cuit i and wrote on my notepad

it says "San nmpk To Do List - Wedding dlm desktop dia"

eh?



then i instantaneously scan balik in my mind and omg betul2 ada!!!!!!!!!

kecoh la kan sekejap Myra-Era-San(Sakinah) bisikbisikbisik psl icon kt desktop boleh tak.

lol

i terus in my awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww mood, sbb cm alaaaaa sweetnyaaaaa. suka tau. terus di mata i, lelaki ini telah reaffirm kesweetan beliau awwwwwwwwwww~~~

for some reason juga sejak on psych rotation ni, the things in my mind tend to ruminate byk gila kali. and therefore this awwwwwww gush gush moment is relived many times sampai i tiba rumah.

naturally this gush gush feel good feeling is meant to be shared. so i pun bgtau Melo, tak habis2 i awwwwwwwww all the way (Melo tgh down sbb tak jumpa last few episodes of He Who Can't Marry versi Korea la tp huhu i fhm sengsara itu).

rupanya Melo n Margeret pun perasan icon tu!! siap gelak2 ok about it (mereka duduk depan skali dgn KOL)

i texted San saying "i cant get over betapa sweetnya dia nk kahwinnnnnnnn, omg! sweet gila ok!!! u tau the girls suma perasan kot icon tu!!"

San berkata balik "Ye ke?! Suma pompuan perasan ke? That's so sweet! Kenapa selama ni tak nmpk icon tu, adakah di saja nk tunjuk?"

Hohohoo~

i find it so amazing benda sekecil itu satu kelas perasan n talk about it after class lol

awwwwwww

i just want him to be happy! sweet gilaaaaaaaaaaaa

esok ada perjumpaan dgn tutor nih, patutkah i mention n congratulate? hohoho?
awwwwwwwwwwww

Everything Matters (?)

i decided i must post this entry today :D (scheduled time again haha)

To those who know, my brother is one who listens than engage in a conversation with you if you do talk to him.

So one day, we ended up eating together at the kitchen table (this rarely happens) sbb masing2 kebulur and malas nk keluar and to our delight jumpa lauk best dlm fridge (yeay).

And our mom cm pesan keluarkn minced beef dlm freezer, bagi defrost naturally than microwave (which i think lebih natural n sedap entah kenapa) so my brother keluarkanlah seketul daging hancur Ram.ly yg keras (yg dlm plastik tu) n masukkn dlm besen.

And then he smirked

I just looked at him. A look that says 'pls tell me u have a reason for that dengusan ketawa kecil itu'

guess what he said?

"tak.. wa teringat guna daging tu pukul kepala orang kes bunuh2 tu kan, mcm kes dlm Kin.daichi since dia ais pastu dia caiiir tak tau mana senjata dia guna"
i was like
"u think that too?????"
"hah. lu pun ke? ingat wa sorang je"

"omg omg omg *freaks and then 3 minit kemudian says something selain omg* tp wa punya thinking lain skit la"

"oh?"

"wa fikir pre-accidents. as in what could happen yg traumatic. contoh! if there were kids playing tepi jalan raya, even though 50 meter away pun i would still see a car coming and langgar diorg time main. lu cm fikir benda ni boleh jadi apa, cm daging tu pukul orang kan, wa ada gak fikir cmtu tp it doesnt affect me mcm situation budak2 tu. cm if ada bas yg selisih on a two-way road and ada motosikal in the middle of them wa akan terfikir kepala driver tu hancur in the middle while the two buses jalan*sound effect musnah*"
"hohoho, susah gak mcm tu"

"tu aa, sbb tu wa cm takut super jalan raya kot. KTM punya train pun wa takut, orang rilek je gi depan skit yellow line tu kan wa akan fikir org tu mesti tertolak because of the low pressure, Bernoulli's law kan pastu bergeser pecah suma kena lenyek"
"huhu susahnya hidup lu"

"ntah. bukan wa nak fikir pun, i cant help it. end up obses pasal safety plak huhu"

5 saat berlalu

"wa rasa kan,.." "since kita dua ada fikir benda mcm ni..wa rs komik la wei" "jap, komik bunuh2 pun..conan, kindaichi-"

"brapa volume conan, kindaichi, q lagi, eiji-"

"eiji ganas ah, gila aa eiji"

"agak aa"

"but think about it, komik yg kita baca ulang2 kali kt rumah eh. conan original je 57 volumes, kindaichi brapa season, conan yg lain skit tu lagi. Q 25+ volumes, eiji 20+ buku..wa rs tu je dah 40-50% yg kita ada kot. SETENGAH komik kt rumah ni psl misteri2 bunuh2 doh"
"hmm, yg biasa2 pun dragonball, dragon quest, doraemon, sailormoon-"
"wa tak baca sgt"

"btul jgk, ok la yg lawak2 gila pun apa DB, DQ, doraemon, pakar judo ..omg lawak tak hengat btw, YYH tu pun ok-ok la"
"hahahaha betul la"
"tu aa, wa rasa buku yg kita baca memainkan peranan rupanya. i mean, since kita dua fikir along this line kan"

"kalau adik pun mcm ni..then confirm aa"
"hahaha nnt kna tanya adik"

"sepbaik lu mention..wa igt wa sorg je"
"wa pun igt wa fikir mcm tu, wa je"

"hohohoho" <----sama2

and that was (one of) the most meaningful conversation(s) i had with my brother. bukan sahaja by genes, by bahan bacaan juga we are linked. oh sungguh interesting.

so ppl. take note, what u read waktu leisure matters!

1/2 ObsGyn

tiba tiba dh separuh masa obs gynae yg relatively busy ini.
wow. silalah that means i hv one crazy(-er) week this week, then minggu deliveries (yeay shift malam!) and then terus minggu exams. oh. my. God. pleaaaase lah. terus exam besar ni. my otak is trying its best untuk manage, i know because its sitting in my head and i feel every denyutan, almost every neurone synapse man its not easy being a brain.

sian dia.
sabar ye cik otak, lg 3 minggu insyaAllah then a massive load off u ok.
promise. i will do a lot of mindless things lepas ni so u can rest betul2 ok?
xoxo
luv, the body and the owner.

updates!

1) i hv ohmygod LOADS of pictures to upload n sort in Al-Baqarah (the 1TB hardrive's name if i havent typed it here just yet)
2) oh sponsor ku, pls pls beri allowance cepattt! i tinggal 3 digit je dlm account aaaa
3) dgrnya ada ura2 saying my brother is coming to dublin. the father decided to campak him to live with me for a week or two. tak pernah actively-bond dgn dia, this is a good chance! cepat dtg! i hv a list of stuff for u to bring me juga! saksikan kehebatan angin bandar dublin! nantikannya!
4) mcm tak pernah mention lagi i hv moved to a new place, its compact but nice enough for me. a compact place for a compact me :D mwahaha. so far 2 orang je pernah dtg this place - iaitu Pojan (sbb dia tlg pindah brg, tq so much much much!) & Melo-swan. I decided on concept country and Marilyn got so excited about this studio being all girly (sampai pgi ike.a 2 kali hahaha - murahlah seriously jgn pergi a.rgos sakithati je). in Melo's words "boleh improve lagi ni" hahahaha sedikit relieved its not THAT girly for now. gambar dah tgkp (nk tunjuk org msia konon) but nk upload will take time, nanti la ye? benda paling best about the new place ialah - JALAN KAKI ke hospital. oh sungguh gembira. juga tesco sepuntung rokok away (not that i smoke) - tp kena cross jalan aiya. sejak pindah juga nafsu makan mcm raksasa - mungkinkah dicerna menjadi tenaga mental yg diperlukan berkati-kati? i wish!
5) Keinginan untuk ke Jepun (again) semakin meluap. Mungkinkah sebab angau dgn encik celebrity tak habis2? sigh~ tp i do miss the food, the atmosphere. i miss speaking in japanese! and gossiping about boyfriends and almost-boyfriends and then-almost-boyfriend-but-now-current-boyfriend lol. byk sgt tgk dramakah aku?
6) I am slightly worried about a friend. Maybe I shouldnt tp ter-found out something yg potentially disturbing. Current plan: watch from afar for now.
7) i miss having pets around me T-T Masa kt Coombe Hosp this gemuk-menyampah blonde cat bermesra with me, oh sungguh nostalgic. lama x cakap2 dgn makhluk lain species. pokok kaktus pun jadilah, dia hidup kt luar tingkap mcm lagi happy. biar lah kan ;D
8) NAK TRAVELLLLLLLLLL (tp duit kena ada dulu, Garda card kena buat dulu pls)

i should sleep now. paksa diri tidur.
i will set this post be published on 28th Sept. (today ialah sabtu desu)

2 hari

Jika aku bulan,
Adakah pungguk yg mengingatiku
Atau aku seorang yg nantikan hening malam
Satu-satunya waktu aku dapat bersinar
Tak perlu rebut dengan bintang-bintang
Aku tahu siapa aku
Waktu aku akan tiba

Jika aku mentari,
Cukupkah dengan cahayaku sahaja penuhkah tugasku
Adakah yang mengeluh dengan terikku
Salah akukah makin banyak keringat tersisih jatuh
Perit terbakar hangus kering kontang menghakis
Atau aku sinar harapan
Untuk yang setia menanti pagi
Indah
Rezeki pagi katanya
Benar?

Kalau aku sunyi,
Benarkah calitan jiwa terdengar jelas di waktu sepi
Desas desus bergema di hati
Itupun jika telus
Jika cukup tenang sahaja baru terngiang
Bezakah dari bayangan gelap di hati
Cukup kuatkah aku bezakan

Jika aku hitam,
Nil dari cahaya
Meresap segala
Apakah maksudnya aku amat dekat dengan cahaya
Atau aku yang paling jauh dari nya

Apakah cukup aku melihat sahaja apa yang berlaku

Prayer

let this year be a good year for all of us, O God please let this year and years to come be the best. if there are hurdles please let there be only enough sadness, enough tears only to realise how blessed we are to just be. Steer us to the right decision in every decision we make, Let what we want be the best for us and Let that journey be with much ease. Groud my heart so there will be no room for arrogance but Fill it with pride, Let my head see Clarity from above. Let the permissibles be easy and the unpermissables be difficult. Guide us for there is no better Guide than You.

Aamin. Aamin. Aamin.

note to self

its not about the paper.
its about wondering for the rest of my life if i dont go for it.
its about how far i can go under pressure.
its about controlling what i can
and how good is my control
its going to be tough
but dont you want to know?
hell yeah i do
i think i'll hurt many people in the process
because my energy reserve is small
that is just for me
be quiet and do what is best for you
no more frills
no more excuses
you know what you have to do
and you will forget at times
but thats ok, this is what its for
it will take a toll on me
i'm risking my whole life for this
but God i really want to know
Help me